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Posts Tagged ‘memory problems’

One day while complaining about my memory in a kinda old-dude sort of way, a friend I have known since high school informed me, “Tim, your memory has NEVER been good.” I felt a brief moment of elation; a low-level epiphany. “Wow,” I thought. “Maybe he’s right!” Just to be sure, I asked Mom — who is 93 years old — if she thought I had had memory problems while I was growing up.

“Tim, you were a piss ant,” she said. “Your brain always ran faster than your body.” Back then, things were simple. Attention Deficit hyperactivity Disorder (ADD) had not yet been invented. Besides, having a brain-running-faster-than-your-body sounded way better than the alternatives: it wasn’t my memory that was the problem after all. It was boredom brought on by being forced to conform to tackling one thought at a time. Without knowing it, I had been multitasking ahead of my time back in 1952.

Since then, I have gradually discovered the “multi” piece of multitasking has been leaching from the equation little by little, not unlike a lollipop being slowly licked to death. And that during the licking process, the “tasking” part of multitasking had been left to fend for itself. This was evident yesterday when I was preparing to go to the grocery store. While heading to my kitchen counter to grab my wallet, I was sidetracked into visiting my bathroom to de-pee my morning’s two large cups of coffee. How can one comfortably shop if one has to pee?

Turns out that on-the-fly pee was my undoing.

Forty-five minutes later I had finished shopping and was ready to check out. When the cashier tallied my groceries, my wallet was nowhere to be found. Hell, no — of course not! Multitasking had left it and the debit card it contained sitting on my kitchen counter. De-peed, and wallet-less.  “No problem,” I told the cashier. “I’ll just pay by cash!” There I stood, rummaging around in my pocket for my wallet all over again. The cashier rolled her eyes.

“Tell ya what, I’ll drive home and get both wallets…” My purchase was nulled and my cart moved to a walk-in cooler, awaiting my return.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb all the way home.

This time, I immediately grabbed my wallet off the kitchen counter when I got home, but those morning coffees were still diddling with my bladder. I decided to de-pee myself once again.  Afterwards, I walked back to my kitchen to retrieve my wallet, which — you guessed it — was now sitting on the bathroom sink where I had left it while de-peeing. It took a while before I sorted it all out: my multitasking brain had become entangled in a Star Trek “space time continuum”, and was just a bit slow catching up to my pre-grocery-store, early morning pee-stop’s multitasking mindset. I drove back to the store, paid for my groceries, and drove home. Later, I called Mom to let her know she had been right — I was a piss ant after all.

She had no idea what I was talking about.

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