FRIDAY FOOD THING
I consider myself a better than average cook, but the other day I pulled one of dumbest cooking blunders of all time: I dumped a large quantity of Cayenne pepper into an empty and very hot cast iron skillet.
I don’t know why I did that. I have no idea what I was thinking. Maybe I just got ahead of myself. (Step 2: sprinkle with Cayenne pepper. Step 1: add the shrimp.) Maybe I fell asleep and was in a trance. Maybe I was trying to kill myself. I don’t know. Whatever the case, my mind was… elsewhere.
Whatever the case, I learned a valuable lesson I’d like to pass on to you now, something from the heart — never, NEVER inhale a cloud of burned Cayenne pepper — EVER!
I fell to the floor. I wiggled and squirmed. I writhed and thrashed about like a poisoned serpent. And I waited. Oh, how I waited for my lungs to remember how to start breathing again. I was an astronaut floating in space, an astronaut whose helmet had popped off and drifted away in the void, and like that helmet, I, too, was drifting away. I thought I was going to die and then was afraid I wouldn’t. My life flashed before my beet-red, tear-filled eyes. “I’m sorry for having stolen that cherry candy from Mrs. Smith’s bowl years ago!” For about 2 minutes, my universe became a single thought: “How does one perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on oneself?”
After a while I was finally able to inhale a single gasp of fresh air. Then another one. Then a couple more. Then — the sneezing began, which lasted for hours.
For three days I had the cleanest sinuses in the galaxy.