Archive for February, 2011

Caesar’s Suit

(from my 2002 Archives)

Whenever I don’t know what to write about, I remote-control through the television channels until a likely snippet of information strikes my fancy. More often than not it’s something so absurd I have to write it down and come back to it later just to make sure I’m not making it up. I take such notes on whatever’s handy. Like right now, I’m reading what I jotted down earlier this week (on a large, coffee-stained manila envelope) about a guy named Caesar Barber.

Seems like Caesar’s quite overweight despite many attempts at eating sensibly. So he’s decided to sue Wendys, McDonalds, Burger King, and Kentucky Fried Chicken for having served him fatty-types of food for decades that were not appropriately labeled as being such. Caesar claims he became overweight because he was fraudulently led to believe the term “100% BEEF” meant fast food was nutritious.

Give me a break.

I am even more amazed as I write this (2002) because I just performed a search using the keywords “Caesar Barber” and came up with SEVEN pages of link information about this 272-pound slug. (Tim says [2011]: I just performed the search again. This time Google turned up 697,000 results!)

Caesar: get a life. Take responsibility for your shortcomings. Quit blaming everyone else for your sloppy habits.  And why you’re at it — with a name like Caesar — show a little fortitude: push aside those greasy fries and burgers, and reach for a salad, instead.

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Tim says, some more food for thought: Apparently, the case was dismissed in September, 2003. Through the years, many other obesity lawsuits have circulated through the courts. In 2004, the “Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act” was passed. Who knows, maybe these lawmakers read my 2002 Simply Tim. Then again, maybe not.

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Today’s Quote

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

–Abraham Lincoln

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Today’s Groan

–submitted by Analee

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. “Where are the tortoises?” he asked.

“I can’t believe it,” said the new employee. “I just opened the door and WHOOOOOSH, they were gone!”

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Tim says: Okay. Here’s a couple more of my favorite tortoise jokes:

A snail was crossing the road when he was run over by a tortoise. A policeman came along and asked him how it happened. “I don’t know,” replied the snail, “It all happened so fast!”


Q: What does a snail say when it’s riding on top of a tortoise?
A: “Wheee! We’re really moving now!”

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Today’s Quote

“The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”

–author, Harlan Ellison

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Every once in a while I get to playing around in the kitchen knowing full well that whatever I’m about to concoct may wind up in the garbage can. When I get into one of these playful moods, anything is possible.

Like yesterday.

After having deep-fried some potato wedges (and after dusting them with chopped oregano, Cayenne pepper and onion powder), I decided to plop a raw egg into the 400-degree oil just to see what would happen. Being careful not to splash, I slipped the egg in by sliding it from the safety of a small bowl. I counted to twenty-five and dipped the crispy-edged, dancing amorphous blob from the boiling pit using one of those Asian wok fry-dipper contraptions. I briefly drained the galaxy-shaped egg and plopped it on a piece of English muffin, followed by a sprinkle of salt and pepper.

Soft on the inside, crunchy on the outside. What’s not to like?

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Today’s Quote

“All you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be.”

–Roger Waters, Pink Floyd, from “The Dark Side of the Moon”

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“Take off on a thrilling flight across America, a journey that allows you to leave yourself, and your travel organizer, at home. Shot entirely in high definition, this series offers rare glimpses of some of our nation’s most treasured landmarks, all seen from breathtaking heights.”

That’s what the Smithsonian Channel web site has to say about their captivating series, “Aerial America”. I began watching it a couple months ago, and I have to admit: I’m hooked.

“Aerial America” is a series of hour-long, mini-documentaries, enriched from beginning to end with exquisite nonstop aerial views which spotlight — state by state — America’s incredible geographic diversity and beauty from an aerial perspective; taken from a slow-moving, rock-steady helicopter, the production value is everything you’d expect from the Smithsonian Channel — and more. Several episodes have already been produced, and many more are in the works.

Packed with interesting — and often little-known — state histories and trivia, “Aerial America” is an incredible snapshot of America at it’s best. Watch it if you can, but look out: it’s addicting.

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