I think I know why a trip to the doctor’s office costs so much. This past weekend while watching television I was instructed no less than 23 times to “ask my doctor” about something or another pharmaceutical product. Just for fun, I did some math. I figure an average doctor sees about 200 patients a week. If each patient asks 1 question during their visit, and each question requires a 5-minute response — instead of treating ailments — a doctor will spend every fourth day doing nothing but answering questions! That’s 66 hours of unproductive jabbering a month.
I suppose drug companies have discovered it’s much cheaper asking US to ask our doctors about their products than it is for the drug companies themselves to contact each doctor one on one to explain their product. They already know how hard it is to get a doctor on the phone in the first place.
So I have come up with a product idea I intend to patent and sell to every doctor in the United States. I think I will call it “STAMAD”, which is a fancy-sounding acronym for “Simply Tim’s ASK ME About Drugs” system. It will be a sophisticated answering machine that will draw on an active data base (updated hourly) of the most popular 1,000 drugs currently being pushed by drug companies.
“Hello, you have reached your doctor’s STAMAD system! If you are calling for a doctor’s appointment and promise NOT to ask questions, PLEASE PRESS 1.”
Each drug will automatically be assigned a reverse priority level based on popularity. Those that are most popular will be assigned slots far down in the data base queue:
“If you are calling about Gree-Z-Lax, PLEASE PRESS 2.”
“If you are calling about Vi-BIG-Ra, PLEASE PRESS 999.”
The beauty of my STAMAD system lies in the fact that an option will be made available such that a dial tone will be the end result of any response other than “1”. The caller will ultimately be disconnected no matter how long they’ve remained on the line patiently waiting for some reference to their drug of choice, because, after all, knowledge is power. Who knows, if I market the STAMAD system correctly, maybe the drug companies will pay me even more money to abandon the development of STAMAD altogether. Any drug companies out there listening?
Then again, I don’t think drug companies listen.
(originally published and copyrighted© 1998-2010 by Simply Tim in the Recipe du Jour news letter.)